2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.