I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
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Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
The sacred texts.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.