If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.