“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
lol
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
wtf is an acronym
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.