*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
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11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Need WebMD
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!