ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
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I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
synchronized noseblowing
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Practicing safe sax
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!