[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
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What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.