*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao