If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I unironically love this joke.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.