The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
you have three unread messages
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715