People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
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Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”