My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You Might Also Like
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
A completely valid reaction tbh
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.