Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I can’t stop watching this.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.