inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point