The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Life cycle of cat
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
6: are snakes just neck?
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.