I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Google assistant rules
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
A choir of Spring onions
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
A family that plays together cheats.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description