Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando