A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men