It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
titanic
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.