therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
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Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.