some things should go without saying
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[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Always the camel, never the toe.