Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.