BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.