Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
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Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.