I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
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I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
These aliens are taking forever.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.