friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.