Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
necessity is the mother of invention
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁