accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
You Might Also Like
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”