Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Lmbo
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-