If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
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The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark