god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
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8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”