“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
called in thicc to work this morning
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos