jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
You Might Also Like
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions