*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
sugar glider wrangler
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Nothing.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?