How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
You Might Also Like
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”