The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
You Might Also Like
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.