I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Mornin
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly