I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!