DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
#NoRestForTheWicked
i was baptized in a car wash
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”