ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.