In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.