After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11