Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book