Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ