We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Wait a second…
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly