The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho