🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
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Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.