I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
uh oh
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.