The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
synchronized noseblowing
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.