I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.